Making Memories

Our motto lately has been PLAY, PLAY, and PLAY some more!

Here we are PLAYING:

Emptying Grandma's sock drawer

Going for walks

Swimming in the Moab pool

Trying to get warm after swimming

Family dinners and fun

Ryan Shupe concert

More pool and Moab time

I love my family so much and am so grateful for all the fun memories we are making!

It's not Goodbye, but See ya Later

So how do I even start? A month ago, on Mother's Day to be exact, my family and I decided to stop all chemo and any further treatments for my cancer. We are going to allow the disease to take it's course. This was an incredibly difficult decision for everyone, but the chemos seem to be causing more damage than good. My bone marrow has been saturated by cancerous cells and all chemo will do is prolong the process. I have spent the last 3 years fighting hard and giving my all, but the time has come to let go.

I have no fear of returning home and look forward to seeing the generations of friends and family I have on the other side, including my son Nathanael. I know that I will still have a part in my family's lives here on the earth and though I have cried buckets of tears and will miss my family immensely, I know this is God's will and that is my greatest desire to fulfill His will.

I was reading some of my journal entries from the past couple of months and wanted to share a few.

October 10, 2010

From Friday through Sunday the whole family (except Jacob, who had to work) went to Moab. We had a wonderful time. I went from baby to baby. It was heaven. One evening Shellie was demonstrating to the girls a new job she is starting selling Nu Skin products. Shellie had already done one skin treatment on me and I was telling my daughters how wonderful it was and showing them my softening wrinkles. Suddenly, Emily started laughing and when we asked her why she said, “Mom, you are going to look great in your casket!” Blunt, but she’s absolutely right. This whole thing is nuts. It’s really difficult contemplating how short my time might be.

Over the next month I am going to write letters to Nathan, Ty, Tess and Landon for their baptisms, priesthood ordinations, missions and marriage. I also want to write to each of my children. I don’t want to leave this earth without their absolute knowledge of where I stand with the Gospel and my Savior. I actually hope I can hand them their letters.

October 13, 2010:

I accidently happened on to a grieving website for MM. This is what I posted:

I am 53 and just learned last Thursday that my MM has returned. I have a wonderful husband, 5 children and 4 grandchildren. During the last 2 years, I have had two bone marrow transplants and multiple sessions of chemo - you all know the drill... I had really hoped that I would get more time. The most frustrating part is that 18 months of the two years I felt horrible. It is only the last 6 months that I have felt semi-normal again. But despite all of the negative, I have seen hundreds of miracles during this time. Family, friends, and neighbors have upheld me with their love and prayers. I have witnessed 2 new grand-babies born in the last 6 months. Because the permanent side effects have been so debilitating, I have decided not to do another transplant. I don't think my body could survive it. I am to start Velcade in a few days, and we will see how that goes. I know it is difficult, but we all have tunnel vision during this earth life. Heavenly Father sees the big picture, and loves us more than we can imagine. He knows what is best for us and our loved ones. Everything will work out for the best. We will be together again. I will miss my family on the other side as much as they miss me on this side. Think how much we have all learned through these experiences! Are we not more gentle, caring and loving people? If anyone needs help with their grieving, please don't hesitate to contact me.

October 20, 2010

Shellie’s exciting day finally came and our family, including some of our extended family who could make it on short notice, all met at the Mt. Tiimpanogos Temple to support her as she entered the Holy House of the Lord. I can’t even begin to describe the peace and feeling of eternity that you feel in the temple. It is as if you lay aside your mortal skin and surroundings and bask in a warm and loving realm.

December 7, 2010:

I have had a really rough month. Thanksgiving I was so sick that even though everyone was at my house, and we still cooked the turkey and trimmings, I was in bed most of the day. The side effects were such that the chemo (Velcade) was too toxic (poison being toxic?! duh!) so they changed chemo and this one has an obscure side effect (that of course I would get) that affects your blood pressure. I am so dizzy that if I stand up straight I black out. It also has dropped my white blood cell count so that I am in the critical zone. Sooo, I am still in bed! As much as I hate shopping, I would volunteer to stand in line somewhere rather than spend another day in bed!

There - you have heard my ornery wining, but now let me tell you the flip side; how blessed I am. My bedroom has a huge bay window where I can see outside all day. Sometimes Maya, my dog, sings to me. Until the last serious temperature drop, I had a handful of rosebuds still hanging on trying to bloom. It was heartwarming.

Kim bought me a copy of Greg Olson's "Jesus overlooking Jerusalem" and Brother Olson even wrote a message to me on the back. I put it in my bedroom where it reminds me of the wonderful experience we had seeing the holy land together. These last 2 years, Kim and I have become very close and many of the scars accumulated over a lifetime of marriage have dissolved. This June will be 35 years.

My youngest grand child doesn't just smile, but grins with his whole body every time you talk to him. He has taught me about true joy.

This year for Christmas, our family has decided to go on a family vacation in January and to use the money we would have spent on gifts to be able to do it. It is amazing how it has simplified the season, and my family is sooo excited for the trip; far more than they would be to get gifts.

Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ truly do love us. And I love them.

My Cute Grandkids!

I just have to show off and brag.. I love these little guys so much!!

Another update

This is not the news I would like to be telling, but the cancer has returned. I have been getting tests done every three months and during the last 3, my IgA has gone from 7 to over 700 and the percent of plasma cells in my spinal fluid has gone from 2% to 20%. It appears to be growing pretty rapidly.
We all wanted more time, and believed that by doing two transplants we would at least buy 5 years, so obviously we are disappointed, but we also knew it was inevitable that it would rear it's ugly head again.
During the last 6 months, I have really felt great and I have been able to see Tessa and Landon come to earth. I have been able to spend some great quality time with Kim, my incredible children, and grandchildren. I don't believe in coincidence and know this was an answer to my prayers before starting in November 2008. Landon is only 7 weeks old, so it came back exactly after my request was granted. Of course now my request is to at least see Landon married. We always want more than is perhaps planned for us, don't we?
My precious daughter Shellie is in the process of preparing to go to the Temple. My greatest desire at this time is to stand in the Celestial Room with my eternal family Kim and our children Brett and Jessica, Emily, Brooke and Ryan, and Shellie. I would love to add Jacob to this list, but I know that day will come, and I will be there.
I would love to be a physical part of my family's lives as long as possible and because of such I will be starting chemo again to continue trying and fighting.

My family is the most important thing in the world to me and I am so grateful for my knowledge of our Heavenly Father's plan. I am also so grateful for the love, prayers, and faith of my family, friends, wardmembers, and people I don't even know.

D&C 29:6 "Whatsoever ye shall ask in faith, being united in prayer according to my command, ye shall receive."
As always, your continued love, support, faith, and prayers are welcomed and greatly appreciated!

Celebrate!

In the last 30 days my white blood cell count (a reflection of my immune system) has gone up from 2.2 to 4.1. That is huge! That means that now I only have to wear my mask in very enclosed areas or around sickness. Also, I had my picc line removed, the last real physical evidence. And get this – I had a hair CUT last week.

Life is Great!

On May 8^th it will be one year since my second transplant!! After the pulmonary emboli mess in January, I was taken off of all of the maintenance chemo drugs. Without those poisons in my body I have been getting stronger and healthier every day. Don’t misunderstand, I know that the chemo and transplants were necessary for my survival and they did their job, but I think I have had enough. Yesterday, I was at the clinic getting an I.V. to help strengthen my bones and a gentleman sitting next to me was doing the same thing. His second transplant was May 26^th. He is on the maintenance protocol of two years of low dose chemo that I was on as well. He looked horrible – frail, weak, feels lousy all of the time… I was shocked at how much I have improved in the 2 ½ months since stopping the drugs. As soon as I was off of everything I began a serious supplement blitz to restore my empty system. When I was where he is, my doctor was highly opposed to supplementing because they believe it also feeds the cancer. It was absolute confirmation to me that I am on the right track. I have also been reading a book about nutrition and cancer and the author emphasized over and over that before beginning chemo or radiation to be prepared nutritionally through supplements and diet. After my Summer in Mexico of innocently doing just that, I was angry that by Fall I had gone from 12% cancer saturation to 80%. I thought that I had wasted my time, even though I had believed at the time that Heavenly Father had led me that direction. Now I realize that indeed He had, to prepare my physical body for what was coming. When I was diagnosed with this cancer I had never even heard of it. It’s amazing that since that diagnosis I am constantly hearing about people who have it and their experiences. Many, many are unable to even get through the first transplant and die. I believe I would have been one of them. I have had so many experiences in my life where understanding comes down the road and I realize again and again how much we are each loved by our Eternal Father. He is watching over us. That doesn’t mean that if I had died or do die that He doesn’t love me. It’s that big picture thing that we all get so hung up on. We are in His hands. Our only objective in this earthly experience is to be the best disciples we can possibly be.

This place again??

Last Wednesday Becki kept waking up in the night curled over in pain. She tried to ignore it but around 5 o'clock in the morning it was far too bad to ignore. When she woke up enough to pay close attention she knew it was the same pain she had had about 10 years ago with a pulmonary embolism. Feeling extremely confident about what she was dealing with, Kim gave her a priesthood blessing , a couple of things to thin her blood, and then they rushed up to the emergency room. After some x-rays and a CT scan, it was confirmed that she was right on about her diagnosis. She had multiple little embolisms in her lungs and doctors told her that if it weren't for the precautions she had taken right before they came in, the situation could have been far worse. They admitted her to the hospital and put her on the cariology floor to keep a close eye on her heart as well. The idea was to get her blood pressure up, thin her blood, and give her body time to absorb the embolisms.
The hospital is the last place on earth she ever wants to be, but at least this time she was able to be a little more coherent and not in as much pain as past stays. One of the things she hated most was that when they saw her black eye, they put her on bed alarm meaning that she wasn't allowed to get out of bed without someone there to help her. Talk about feeling chained to a bed you don't even want to be in. Well, 5 days later she finally got to go home and is feeling a little better. She has been taken off the chemo drug since it is clearly causing too sever of side effects for her and Dr. Zangari is now trying to figure out what will be the best option for her. They say they have never seen anyone with so many side effects to everything.
Way to break records Mom!

Its been a while...

Becki has slowly been regaining her strength but constantly dealing with all these horrid side effects. She still fights with dizziness, her intestinal track being all messed up, low blood pressure, etc. She curses the chemo drugs daily knowing that although they are killing the cancer, in a way they are slowly killing her. They are just so harsh on the body.

On a happier note, Becki has really made a huge effort to make the best of her situation. Kim surprised her with a week getaway to Hawaii in December. They had an absolute blast. She didn't have a ton of energy, but still had a wonderful time. When she left the nasty Utah inversion she had a deep cough she couldn't get rid of from a cold she had from the week before. Within a couple of hours of being in beautiful, humid Hawaii, the cough was gone and she felt much better. Here are a few pictures from the week:

They celebrated Kim's birthday at the Polynesian Cultural Center

Christmas was the week after they got home so they jumped right into the festivities of the season and stayed real busy. It was SO nice to have Becki around for Christmas this year. As most probably remember, Christmas was a scary one last year where Becki was in the ICU. We were so grateful to have her around and continue to make some memories.

We began our Christmas Day at Brett's house to be a part of the grandkid's gift experience.

Nathan and Tyler were just as excited to have Grandma around on Christmas.

Notice her sweet black eye? She fell and hit her head- not funny but she got a gnarly shiner out of it.

Becki is alway freezing now that she has no insulation on her bones... She got a nice and warm down Marmot coat for Christmas

Becki with her mother, Ruth

We hope you all had a wonderful Christmas as well.

thoughts from Becki

Here we are, 10 months later and I’m still hanging on, and I’m still learning a lot about prayer and perspective. This is a very difficult time for me in this process. I feel pretty good, but I am not able to do the things I used to. I have to keep reminding myself that accomplishment is not what makes a person valuable. I feel like I am in limbo – not well enough to get out and act normal, but not sick enough to be stuck at home. Cancer research has made gigantic strides in the last 20 years and hopefully I will benefit from what I have been through, but ultimately Heavenly Father’s Will will take place. Although I know the right answer, I still have periods where I almost panic about missing milestones in the lives of my children, but deep down I know that I really won’t miss a thing, and maybe I’ll be more of an asset from the other side. I think it is not so much panic, as it is change. So often we try to second guess Heavenly Father’s personal plan for us and afterward admit that He knew what He was doing all along – we just kept getting in the way!! Don’t get me wrong, I would love to live another 10 years, but I’m sure there are many, many cancer families who would love the same thing. I remember hearing in a class I was taking that if Heavenly Father isn’t trying you, you’d better get your act together because trial brings the kind of growth necessary to bring about eternal families. That’s the whole idea behind our earthly experiences. In the final analysis family is all that matters.
When they talk about chemo brain, they are not kidding! There are days when I have trouble remembering my name. Kim often reminds me that this and everything else that I whine about will all be corrected in the resurrection. Isn’t it wonderful to know that we are supposed to be here and that our experiences are planned. We are a handful of people who know that we have a loving Heavenly Father and His Son, our Redeemer, has paved the trail for us to return home and continue our family life. How scary it would be not to know what the next step is. It would sure make life seem unfair. But every little detail, down to my bunnies has been taken care of. I can worry all I want, but it really won’t make any difference.
I am so grateful for my amazing family and how they have supported and loved me through this difficult experience. I will try to keep little updates on the blog as they occur.

SUNSHINE!

Becki has been began "maintenance mode" of her chemo now and is gaining a little more health and strength everyday. Naturally there are some crummy side effects to some of these drugs but overall the sun is finally poking it's head out from the clouds. YEAH!

A couple of weeks ago the family all went down to Moab to enjoy a weekend away before the end of summer. Becki was so excited that about 6 weeks before the trip, she researched multiple different online sites until she found just what she was looking for. She found a contraption that would cover up her PICC line and keep it completely dry so she could SWIM. That is what we love most.. playing in the pool.

We had a great time, like always, playing in the pool, watching movies, playing games, and just spending some good 'ole quality time together.

From here, we are hoping that there really aren't too many more updates (which is a good thing and means there wont be too many blog posts) She is finally on the mend and we pray that things will continue to go well. Thank you again for all your love, support, friendship, concern, and prayers. We couldn't have made it this far without the help of so many of you. Unfortunately this cancer is notorious for coming back, so please continue to pray for Becki's health. Bring on the prayers!

We will keep you posted on any updates.. thanks again!

The latest

Hi all you wonderful friends, ward members and family,

It has been a long 9 months, but I am finally able to build back up my strength without knocking it down again. I have completed two bone marrow transplants and all the chemo that goes with it. There is one more round of chemo, called consolidation, that they want me to do, but I have decided that I have had enough. I am moving into maintenance, which is Dexamethesone (a steroid) and Velcade (a chemo drug) every 4 out of 14 days for the next year.

This week has been a week of tests. Monday I had another bone marrow aspiration and I still squirm to find a spot to sit that doesn't hurt! (They remove 5 tablespoons of marrow and a piece of bone.) I also had an MRI and lab work. Today is a PET scan, and an echo cardiogram. The purpose of these tests are to see how well the 2nd transplant did. My appointment with my doctor is next Tuesday, so by then I should have all the information we need.

Every day I am feeling stronger and healthier! It is thanks to your prayers that I have made it this far. I am trying not to be too impatient. With my first transplant, it took me 4 months before I didn’t feel like passing out every 10 steps. It has only been 7 weeks since my second transplant, so I know I have at least 2 more months. The best news is I am finally getting a little hair. It’s taking its sweet time, but if I use a magnifying glass I can see it!!! I also have a healthier immune system, so if you are not sick or haven’t been exposed to swine flu, come see me!!!

Love, Becki

Park City

While everyone was healthy and in town, Becki planned a quick overnight getaway to Park City. There happened to be a firework show over Jordanelle the night we were up there, so we went to that, played in the pool, slept in, and had lots of yummy food and fun.

Waiting for the firework show to start. Nathan made sure everyone was equipped with a glow stick... wouldn't want to lose anyone now would we.

We also celebrated Shellie's birthday while we were there. All she wanted was money so we got creative with a bunch of $1 bills

We had a great weekend and are looking forward to Moab next month. Becki has already researched a special little contraption to keep her pick line from getting wet. Nothing is keeping her out of the pool this time!!

Scalp art

Becki got the okay to be around her grandkids last week, so she and Emily stopped by Brett and Jess' house on the way home from her doctor's appointment and surprised the kids with a visit!  It was a beautiful day, so we pulled out a blanket and sat in the shade in the front yard.  Someone came up with the crazy idea of decorating Grandma Becki's head, so after verifying several times that Becki was sure this was okay with her, we gave Nate and Ty some washable markers and let them go at it!  What a cool grandma!  How many kids do you know get to color all over their grandma's head?  

Ty has a turn

Nate is taking his job seriously

The final product!  Seems to have some Aztec undertones.

Ty gave Grandma Becki lots of hugs

She really missed those!