I was reading some of my journal entries from the past couple of months and wanted to share a few.
October 10, 2010
From Friday through Sunday the whole family (except Jacob, who had to work) went to Moab. We had a wonderful time. I went from baby to baby. It was heaven. One evening Shellie was demonstrating to the girls a new job she is starting selling Nu Skin products. Shellie had already done one skin treatment on me and I was telling my daughters how wonderful it was and showing them my softening wrinkles. Suddenly, Emily started laughing and when we asked her why she said, “Mom, you are going to look great in your casket!” Blunt, but she’s absolutely right. This whole thing is nuts. It’s really difficult contemplating how short my time might be.
Over the next month I am going to write letters to Nathan, Ty, Tess and Landon for their baptisms, priesthood ordinations, missions and marriage. I also want to write to each of my children. I don’t want to leave this earth without their absolute knowledge of where I stand with the Gospel and my Savior. I actually hope I can hand them their letters.
October 13, 2010:
I accidently happened on to a grieving website for MM. This is what I posted:
I am 53 and just learned last Thursday that my MM has returned. I have a wonderful husband, 5 children and 4 grandchildren. During the last 2 years, I have had two bone marrow transplants and multiple sessions of chemo - you all know the drill... I had really hoped that I would get more time. The most frustrating part is that 18 months of the two years I felt horrible. It is only the last 6 months that I have felt semi-normal again. But despite all of the negative, I have seen hundreds of miracles during this time. Family, friends, and neighbors have upheld me with their love and prayers. I have witnessed 2 new grand-babies born in the last 6 months. Because the permanent side effects have been so debilitating, I have decided not to do another transplant. I don't think my body could survive it. I am to start Velcade in a few days, and we will see how that goes. I know it is difficult, but we all have tunnel vision during this earth life. Heavenly Father sees the big picture, and loves us more than we can imagine. He knows what is best for us and our loved ones. Everything will work out for the best. We will be together again. I will miss my family on the other side as much as they miss me on this side. Think how much we have all learned through these experiences! Are we not more gentle, caring and loving people? If anyone needs help with their grieving, please don't hesitate to contact me.
October 20, 2010
Shellie’s exciting day finally came and our family, including some of our extended family who could make it on short notice, all met at the Mt. Tiimpanogos Temple to support her as she entered the Holy House of the Lord. I can’t even begin to describe the peace and feeling of eternity that you feel in the temple. It is as if you lay aside your mortal skin and surroundings and bask in a warm and loving realm.
December 7, 2010:
I have had a really rough month. Thanksgiving I was so sick that even though everyone was at my house, and we still cooked the turkey and trimmings, I was in bed most of the day. The side effects were such that the chemo (Velcade) was too toxic (poison being toxic?! duh!) so they changed chemo and this one has an obscure side effect (that of course I would get) that affects your blood pressure. I am so dizzy that if I stand up straight I black out. It also has dropped my white blood cell count so that I am in the critical zone. Sooo, I am still in bed! As much as I hate shopping, I would volunteer to stand in line somewhere rather than spend another day in bed!
There - you have heard my ornery wining, but now let me tell you the flip side; how blessed I am. My bedroom has a huge bay window where I can see outside all day. Sometimes Maya, my dog, sings to me. Until the last serious temperature drop, I had a handful of rosebuds still hanging on trying to bloom. It was heartwarming.
Kim bought me a copy of Greg Olson's "Jesus overlooking Jerusalem" and Brother Olson even wrote a message to me on the back. I put it in my bedroom where it reminds me of the wonderful experience we had seeing the holy land together. These last 2 years, Kim and I have become very close and many of the scars accumulated over a lifetime of marriage have dissolved. This June will be 35 years.
My youngest grand child doesn't just smile, but grins with his whole body every time you talk to him. He has taught me about true joy.
This year for Christmas, our family has decided to go on a family vacation in January and to use the money we would have spent on gifts to be able to do it. It is amazing how it has simplified the season, and my family is sooo excited for the trip; far more than they would be to get gifts.
Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ truly do love us. And I love them.